Whether you’re an urban rider, a mountain biker, or a roadie - there are just some things lovers of two wheels can only understand. Some of them may be justifiable to common folk, but others take a specific mindset to fully comprehend.
1. Bike personification is real.
A bike is not simply just “a bike”. It’s Dingo, Shredder or something else that you probably wouldn’t name a real person. It’s the reason we build stuff that can’t be stolen, because your bike and everything on her is the center of your world, and you treat her as you would a child. (And for some reason, it’s a she.)
2. Crank grease marks on the lower legs is the societal equivalent to hickies on your neck.
You weren’t thinking and you bumped into your bike, leaving you with 5-inches of opportunity for your friends to mock you. What to do? Pull up those socks, stat, and hope changing your gait will conceal those marks of newbie-dom. Proceed to hike your leg up and over the nearest bathroom counter to try and scrub away the shame.
3. Anything with bikes on it automatically becomes valid to purchase immediately.
Beer with a bike on it? Ignore the fact its 8 a.m. on a Wednesday- you’re buying it. T-Shirt with a fixie-bike print? Dog collar? Yup. Posters? You already have 30, but the sky is the limit and mom isn’t around to tell you otherwise.
4. You fear the moment you’ll run into a car door.
Parked cars are pain in waiting. Unexpected Open Door Syndrome happens, and hopefully you can exercise your rad handling abilities, but if not, say a prayer and shake it off (then perhaps call 911).
5. Biking and Coffee go hand in hand.
You don’t question it, and you never will. It’s just bike science. And don’t forget to learn the obnoxious totally useful terms: Grinder, Fair-Trade, Blend, Pour-Over, Micro Foam, Tamper, etc.
6. “N+1” is both the most awfully truthful thing, and wonderfully greatest excuse ever.
You just bought a new bike? Great, dude! Proceed to sit in front of your computer that following night for hours gawking at the ones you didn’t buy…we have to keep the economy strong, right? N+1.
7. Staring contests with drivers are your normal commute.
You’ve looked each driver in the 20-mile radius right in the eyes, to ensure they see you - and maybe to declare, just a little bit, “whattup, I’m on a bike and you’re stuck in that metal thing.” Bragging rights, earned.
8. You have a running list of things you could sell if you “needed” new bike stuff.
You’ve looked at your household objects and thought - what should I evaporate into cash today? Vacuum, couch, guitar, and who really needs plates and utensils, anyways. You know the second-hand market price of these things…just in case.
9. When a commute is good, it’s incredible, and when it’s bad, it’s just awful.
It’s either 20 miles of pure bliss delivered to you on the backs of the glorious cycling gods…or pain and suffering, wet and miserable. There is no in between.
10. If it fits in your cycling jersey, it’s “cycling food”.
Your top tube can also be your waiter. Don’t constrain your options simply to CLIF bars and liquid sugar-snot. Tacos make for great mid-ride snacks, as do PB&Js and cookies. Any pizza is a personal pizza if you believe in yourself.
11. Texting/calling/ Facbook-ing and riding? That’s absurd!
“Sweet filter, now for the caption…” is the script any fool follows right before smashing into a light post. You judge these naive whippersnappers who wear Supermans on their chests and can’t stay off social media for two minutes. Fools!
12. …but deep down you know you’ve done it, too.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
There’s no traffic in either direction and I just GOTTA tell my friend “lol” or he’ll think I hate him. What’s the worst that could happen?
Your turn! What are some other things you’ve seen time and again on your bike rides or commutes? Drop ’em in the comments below.
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